My Skin
by BewilderedLily
Summary: A single dance begins the long journey back to sanity and what comes of that journey makes all the difference in the world.  Takes place after Early and right before the events of Serenity. Jayne/River pairing.


**Title:** My Skin  
**Series Title:** Prologue  
**Author:** Bewildered_Lily  
**Disclaimer: **Don't own these wonderful characters or Natalie Merchant's song My Skin  
**Spoilers: **For the series and eventually the BDM.  
**Rating: **R and eventual NC-17  
**Characters:** Jayne/River; Mal/Inara, Zoe/Wash, Kaylee/Simon, Book

**Summary: **A single dance begins the long journey back to sanity. Takes place after Early and right before the events of Serenity.

**Notes:** I got this idea after listening to Natalie Merchant's song My Skin. I would suggest looking up the song and listening to it before reading this. It's a beautiful piece. Also, this is my first Rayne fanfic, so please be gentle with me. If I did it wrong just let me know. =) Hope you enjoy.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

It began with a single dance.

The gentle hum of a lullaby drifting over steel and machine, called to her like a long lost lover. It lured her from the dark recesses of her mind. She followed the notes like bread crumbs, away from the wicked witch trying to devour her.

_Take a look at my body  
Look at my hands  
there's so much here  
That I don't understand_

When she broke through the tangled forest, she found herself surrounded by faces, some familiar and some foreign. She opened her mouth to speak, but the music told her not to. It reminded her of other words spoken, words that had left her mouth only to twist and turn and tie themselves up in knots until the meaning of them was lost and fell on deaf ears.

_Your face saving promises  
Whispered like prayers  
I don't need them  
I don't need them_

Instead, she gave herself to the music. She gave it her lost words and the ever present frustrated desire to be understood. Like a supplicant to her God, she gave herself up to Their mercy. She shut out the faces that refused to understand and their voices that pierced her brain and made her ache. She shut out the painful echoes of her tortured past; the reminder of an innocence that had been torn from her. She blocked out the memories that weren't her own, the knowledge that her fragile mind couldn't contain without breaking. She let go of the fear, the sadness, and the heart breaking loneliness that was embedded deep beneath her unclean flesh.

_I've been treated so wrong  
I've been treated so long  
As if I'm becoming untouchable_

_Contempt loves the silence  
It thrives in the dark  
With fine winding tendrils  
That strangle the heart_

_They say that promises  
Sweeten the blow  
But I don't need them  
No, I don't need them_

She laid them down, her dark offerings, at the feet of her God, and for just a little while allowed the thrum of piano and drum to enfold her in its forgiving embrace. She moved with it, became one with it and for the first time since the raping of her mind and soul, felt the pieces fit together and the cracks were mended as if they had never existed.

_I'm a slow dying flower  
Frost killing hour  
The sweet turning sour  
And untouchable_

"Oh, I need this," she whispered reverently, her voice a small breath of air within the folds of the song. Her body hummed with the freedom to be just herself again. Just River Tam.

_O, I need  
The darkness  
The sweetness  
The sadness  
The weakness  
I need this_

She was the River that existed before they shattered her, before they took from her everything that was real and good. Once again, she was girl who could speak and be understood, a girl who could cry and not need smoothers to calm her. She was an ordinary girl who could fall in love, fuss about her hair, be loved in return. She wasn't a feng le girl too messy for anyone to want.

_I need  
A lullaby  
A kiss goodnight  
Angel sweet  
Love of my life  
O, I need this_

The music held her and for this single moment, the tears falling down her face were ones of joy and peace, instead of fear and confusion. As she moved the body that she'd thought no longer her own, but merely the play thing of some hidden division of a corrupt government, she knew all was not really lost. Someday the body would be her own again; she'd reclaim it and make it her temple once more. She would take this empty skin they had molded into their dark desires and make it remember what it was to be beautiful again, to be a vessel of creation instead of destruction.

_Do you remember the way  
That you touched me before  
All the trembling sweetness  
I loved and adored?_

_Your face saving promises  
Whispered like prayers  
I don't need them  
No, I don't need them_

She could never go back, could never be the same as before. The pieces were too fragmented and some too destroyed to ever be whole again. However, she WOULD rebuild, and she WOULD be whole again. Maybe, just maybe, she'd even be better than before.

_O, I need  
The darkness  
The sweetness  
The sadness  
The weakness  
I need this_

The lullaby was fading, and with its dying breath she could feel the waves beginning to crash against her again, trying to unmake all that she had pieced together. But this time she hadn't built her house on the ever shifting sands and no matter how far the tide pulled her she'd found a light that would guide her home no matter the darkness. She'd found hope. It would keep her steady, keep her real.

_I need  
A lullaby  
A kiss goodnight  
The angel sweet  
Love of my life  
I need this_

She opened her eyes, born up for one breathless moment by the last echoing chime of a piano note. The faces were different now. She viewed them with a clarity she'd been without for so long. She studied them, memorizing the ones that mattered, and understanding the ones that hid behind them in the shadows. These shadow faces were the secrets that she'd always be able to see no matter how hard she tried to be blind to them.

She found herself arrested by a pair of piercing blue, and a jolt of recognition passed through her body and a knowledge so deep it was bred in the bone swamped her for a moment. But the time wasn't right for such a thing, and she pushed it down before the longing could unmake her again. Time would tell what would come of that knowledge.

_Is it dark enough?  
Can you see me?  
Do you want me?  
Can you reach me?  
Or I'm leaving_

The darkness came at her then, pulling her down beneath the surface and away from clarity, but she wasn't afraid. She kept her eyes on that glimmer of hope. Tied tightly around her was now a cord that bound her to the surface. It was thin and fragile like the gossamer strands of a spider's web, but it was there and it would only get stronger. Finding peace she allowed herself to rest, knowing the battle had only begun.

Yes, it had started with a dance, the rebuilding of her mind. One small dance, but it was a doorway and she had stepped through it. What lay ahead she wasn't sure, but she knew deep inside that she'd need to be whole to face it and survive.

_You better shut your mouth  
Hold your breath  
Kiss me now you'll catch my death  
O, I mean it_

_-o-o-o-o-o-o-_

Jayne watched the Doc's 'moon brain' sister get led from the bay. He'd never seen anyone dance, the way she had. Inara had started the music on her radio, she'd been trying to show Kaylee some girl go-se, and minutes later there'd been the crazy girl.

She'd looked as 'teched' as ever, and he'd been in the process of dismissing her as he normally did, but then she'd started to move. He'd tried to ignore it, to find some way to poke fun at it, but there'd been something different about her. It was like she'd been fully awake for the first time, like a hidden piece of her had finally broken free and made itself known. A quick look around at the other crew members, and he'd noticed he wasn't the only one taking notice.

When the music had ended, and she'd opened them big brown eyes, he'd have sworn he was looking at a completely different person. Then those same eyes had settled on him for a moment, and he'd felt all manner of uncomfortable. Something about the way she looked at him made him feel things no man ought to think about over a young crazy bit like her. It'd only last but a breath though, and not being much of a thinking man, he didn't dwell on it.

But gorram it, if just for a second, when she seemed to slip back down again and that light had left her eyes, he hadn't felt a little sad to see it go.

With a shake of his head he pushed the thought away, a frown on his face. Ain't no way, he'd be having any kind of thoughts on Doc's crazy sister.

Unbeknownst to him, the tiny seed of a little possibility was planted however. And while the merc went back to his non- thinking ways, and the crazy girl was tucked away back into the darkness, the world began to move again and with it came all manner of unsavory things.


End file.
